I'm going to jail i love you
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
