The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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