I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
