Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
