if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
