My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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