I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
