Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
