Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
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My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
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Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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