Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
