Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
