he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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