Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
