then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
