I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
