Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
