Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize