I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
