u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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