you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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