Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
