At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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