after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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