you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
