I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
