is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
