I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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