if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
