I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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