Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
