Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
