I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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