put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
