i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
