Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
