Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
