just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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