I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
