the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
