I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
