I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
