Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
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his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
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Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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