Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
