omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
