yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
