don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
