He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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