At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
