I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
