Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
