apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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