every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
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NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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