Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
