Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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