I cockslap morals
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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