Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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