so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
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I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
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I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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