you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
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