the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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