Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
