Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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