he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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