Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
